Birth of 1969

This image, "Birth of 1969" is the most emotional image of my career so far.  It has the deepest of meanings and pulls from every part of my soul.  

This image is about the birth of two boi's in the same year, a month apart.

I have a Brother out there in this world whom i have never met.  He was born in January 1969 and i love him.  How can you love somone you have never met?  It has nothing to do with him, it has to do with me, for love is a gift given and i choose to give it.  Wherever you are Brother, i love you every day.  I wonder if you have my toes or maybe my nose.

This image is also a tribute to the loss of a loved one and a promise to never let go, but what makes it so hard is only half of the love was real...my half.  Sometimes our imagination is so strong we can be in love with what we have created but in reality it will never be touched in the real world.  The truth was only in our imagination, not in reality.

I had a pregnancy early in my 20's and it was my first pregnancy.  I wanted this baby more than anything in the world.  I made it so.  It was a "high risk" pregnancy they called it. I had complications, bed rest from day one.  Four months i was on my left side...more oxygen gets to the baby when you are on your left side, so i did.  I lost this pregnancy. I was barely 19 years old and i knew very little about miscarraige but was about to have the most painful night of my life, by myself.  I bled and i bled a lot.  This most precious life inside me of four months was about to come out.  The hours crawled by that night in the most heart renching way.  

I regret nothing, when everything came out i held this little round ball, it was the sac that held my baby, i had to cut open this sac...i had to see the little life that i so deeply loved and wanted.  I needed to see my baby.  I ever so gently took a razor blade and cautiously, tenderly cut the outer layers of this ball.  I cried, i cut, i cried, i cut, it was hard and rubbery and very difficult to cut though.  It finally opened, i wiped the tears from my eyes so i could see.  I could not believe what?  

That sac was completely clean, nothing in there.  It was pink and rubbery and full of veins and blood vessels but no baby, no mass, no nothing.  Where was my baby?  Where was this little life i loved?  How could i have a pregnancy with no baby?  I was told to bring it all in to the doctors office the next day, they needed to know if everyhing came out.  It did.  I needed an expiniation of this, how, where, why?  

I was told that i wanted this baby so badly that my mind made it so but without sperm it wouldn't become real.  It was a false pregnancy by the power of the mind tricking my body into thinking it was pregnant and so started the process. Fertilization didn't happen.  I may never know if this is true or not but i suppose i am grateful i never saw a tiny baby's body in there because i truly don't know if i could have handled it.  I loved what wasn't real, but it doesn't matter...it was real to me.  

I can count on one hand the loves of my life where a promise is made that "I will never let go" 

(Dont dwell on the past, don't fear the future. The only thing that i know is that i'm perfectly satisfied. Harmony. Perseverance. Jayde Teal. Family. Dream.)